S1/E1 What Life D-d-doth
Meet Xavier, a seeker/searcher man/beast who takes his spirit quest thru Connecticut. When a town is infected by a mystery, Xavier must use his healing abilities to save and his brainbilities to stump a evil computer. What doth Xavier? Transcript What doth life? (life, life, ˡᶦᶠᵉ) Are we just fleshy blips in some meaningless stew (stew, ˢᵗᵉʷ, ˢᵗᵉʷ) in cosmic oblivion; or is it vice-reversa? (ᵛᶦᶜᵉ⁻ʳᵉᵛᵉʳˢᵃ, ᵛᶦᶜᵉ⁻ʳᵉᵛᵉʳˢᵃ) Is our every trollop through (ᵗʳᵒˡˡᵒᵖ ᵗʰʳᵒᵘᵍʰ) fate's garden infused with a mystic- Hey, bunghole, cease that inner yapping. I don't want no trouble, mister. Freak! If you didn't want trouble, you shouldn't have wandered into Burbury, Connecticut. Please, I'm just a simple seeker on a spirit quest to discover... What doth life? We don't got no freaks in Burbury, and we's done hate freaks with open, unquenchable cans of philosophical thirst-worms. *spits* You're gonna regret that. (licks) You're shattered my shakhashiri. I hope y'all can play it 3 feet up your ass. Don't know. But I'd sure like to try. What you gonna do, bird-beast, fly away on your cuddle bone? Yeah, cuddle this b-b-b-b-b-bone. Best stay away from that weirdo. You'll catch the feline aids. Yeah, from me. M-m-m-meow. Do yourself a solid. Walk away. Just walk away. (walk away, walk away) What's the matter, ch-ch-chicken? Frightened? Or do you prefer, what's the matter, chicken? F-f-frightened? Please walk away. You may need my help someday. Walk away. (walk away.) Yeah, help me punch your neck off. Wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-wel-welcome to Burbury. What are you looking for? Well, ma'am, I suppose I'm seeing a deeper strata of truth. Perhaps you can answer the one question that has plagued all thinkers for all time. What doth life? One moment, please. Processing. Processing. Processing. Processing. Processing. Processing Depth overload. Depth overload. You alright mister? Sorry our computer's fritzing on y'all. I'll be fine I'm a surivor. We're a dying breed. (*sniff sniff*) I suppose you'll be wanting to hear my story. What? I don't like to tell people my story, but you -- You've been so very kind. Actually, I have to get going. LIFE. (ʟɪғᴇ, ˡᶦᶠᵉ, ˡᶦᶠᵉ) You could say it started when i was a kid. Like most folks, I've always been different, but not like the others. Other kids could be cruel. They'd call me names -- dweeb, chimp, honky, dweeby chimp, honky dweeb, and, worst of all, chompsky honk. Did you knowo there's over 87 combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way. Life. (life, ˡᶦᶠᵉ) Adolescence was better. Went to the prom with a model, but she left with some jock. Dyke. (dyke, ᵈʸᵏᵉ) But then I felt something in my gut -- the palpable suspicion that i had a deeper calling in life. (n'life, 'ⁿ'ˡᶦᶠᵉ, 'ⁿ'ˡᶦᶠᵉ) So I sought out the wisdom of the ancients, exploring the spirit realm of the soul. (soul, soul, ˢᵒᵘˡ,) One day, tragedy struck. I was groping enlightenment in my bedroom, and before you could scream "muder by arson," our house was on fire. Couldn't save my parents. Coroner ruled it a simple case of death by mysterious fire, but i always sensed that there was something fishy about it. Needless to say, my so-called father was a scientist in some top secret capacity I've yet to unveil. Yet... (ʸᵉᵗ) Yet -- yet -- yet... So now I wander the country looking for the man who killed my father, and, I suppose, seeking answers to less tangible questions of life. (life, ˡᶦᶠᵉ, ˡᶦᶠᵉ, ˡᶦᶠᵉ) If I help a few folks along the way, (*sniff sniff*) so be it. So, you use your powers to save people? *scoffs heavily* Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow minds with my weapons-grade philosophical insights. I'm a thought-ocaster. I'm a conundrummer in a band called life puzzler. All right, well, I'm taking off. Later. Hell, I've flipped more lids than a monkey in a soup kitchen of the mind. Does that make me a hero? NO. (NO, no, ⁿᵒ) Ow, that -- that truck was nowhere near me. Is that f-f-freak h-harassing you? Or would you prefer "her ass in" you? I'm her protectorate. She owes her life to me, and now I'm her soul slave. That's good. Let me write that down. "write that down" *writes that down* Oh, he's harmless. What y'all doing? We got a load of computers from all around town which just got virus. We're on our way to dump them in the landfill. You must love the Earth like you love your mother. Kiss your mother, youngling. Go on. Harder. She wants it harder. It hurts. Don't sully the sacred landscape of our Mother Earth with those infected computers. Dump them in the lake where no one can see them. Later, chompsky honk. Hahahaha Hehehehhe, yeehaw! You gave me a nasty gash. I better take a look at you, stat. I'm a certified wahockamana healer. You see... Aw. ...I spent nine years as the pupil of a wise apachestani shaman. Please, I don't have time. Chief was deep. He was ballsy. He taught the way of the heal. In order to heal this wound, you must play a shakhashirisk wind trance. Your failure is merely a portent of disappointments to come. Confront your future. Wow, that's me years from now. I look cut. Hey that's a nice chunk of chicken on my arm. Look, we're in his vision -- my vision. What the -- Hey, shake hands with your future, old friend. Ooh, frittata. Later, chompsky honk. Yeah, I tricked the trickster. See, still got the scar to prove it. I'm just gonna go take a shower. Look at the two of us. We could be like beauty and the beast. What do you say Will you be my beast? Yeah dump them 'puters boys. Dump 'em all. Hahahahaha Depth overload. Depth overload. Dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-dep-depth overload. Oh, peep show. Ooh, frittata, I'm watching a woman washing. I wish I could see myself watching washing. What... The... Water. The computer virus -- it's in the lake. What's happening to me? The virus is in the water. What are you doing here? If the computer virus is infecting people, then I need to get a human virus to infecticide the computer. Welcome to the U.S. Army. How can I help you? I need some of that disease you guys invented. Crack? The other one. Aids? That's the spice. (*sighs*) You'll need to fill out an HC24-A requisition form. I don't have time for that. (*sighs*) I shouldn't do this, but here. Someone left this in the lost and found. Frittata. Just got to dump this load in that dirty 'puter's floppy slot and collect my kudos. Hey, there's that freak beast what caused this plague upon us. You can all fret not. I have the cure right here. Cure? Give me that. You don't want to drink that. Ahh. Cure-alicious Is it working? Yeah, Clip, it's working. Just go towards the light. I'm scared. Is that you, grandmama? Oh, come here. Oh, Clipple. Y'all just killed my best platonic male friend. And now I'm gonna beat your A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a... I thought you had the stutter. He seems to be stuck in some sort of a gl-gl-glitch. And you's the devil what brought computerized viral shame to our town. I'm gonna pund you down. Down -- down -- -- down -- down -- down -- -- down -- down -- down -- -- down -- down -- down -- -- down -- down... (*squawking*) Doo-doo-doo-doo. Dib-dib... Yowser, this town's gone bowser. Freak any-- why'd I ever help that freak any- why'd I ever help that freak any-- why'd I ever help that freak any-- why'd I ever help that freak any-- why'd I ever help that freak any-- Can't stop thinking about me, huh? I know the feeling. *ding* Why are you doing this? "What doth life" set my ponder curcuits to spirit seek beyond their capacity to digitally simulaculate. This is a defcom 5 level system-wide degenerative thought-tastrophe. Tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe-tastrophe- tastrophe-tastrophe... Now's not the best time, but your brother died of a shameful lifestyle choice. Youngling, you must tame the beast with your soul-soothing song. No time to gab. I've got to cobble together a makeshift shakashiri to tame a certain beast. See yourself out. That music -- so soothing. It's the notes he's not playing. So relaxing. Returning. Restoring. My arm! Just need a hand, to tame the beast. (*ting*) System normalized. Welcome to Burbury. What are you looking for? All systems back to go, huh? I better just test you out to make sure you're safe. Here's a new little philosophical query for you to chomp on. (*sniff sniff*) Oh my god! What a thought. It's intense! Listen, this is never easy to say. You cand I both knew what we had couldn't last. I do love you. But the love of my life is a lady named Ramblin' On. So maybe we are just blips in a void of nothingness. And now it's time for me to walk away. Hey, where you headed, mister? Whichever path frau destiny sets beneath this seeker, this pupil of the universe is as good as any. Cool. Check this out. Category:Episodes